Suck it Dallas

It's Up to You, Roy

The Brewers look to continue the Astros six game skid tonight at the House that Ken Lay Built but they gotta get through Roy Oswalt to do it. That's a comforting thought right now but still, the offense could treat him like Roger Clemens and you know, put up some donuts.

Hey Astros, Crash says it's Ok!

Okay guys, this has been a pretty good road trip. You've fought hard and come back in some unbelievable ways and man, has it been a blast to watch. I'm sure you've got some pent up energy since you really haven't been able to go out and uh...release some tension. We all know baseball players are superstitious by nature and of course, none will ever forget the sage wisdom of Crash Davis when he proclaimed that you don't screw on a winning streak.

So, go out there and have a blast. Fly up the wives, girlfriends or whatever and party down like it's the end of the world. You've certainly earned those perks with a 6-2 road record. But enjoy it while you can because we know (well, at least we hope) to be seeing a lot more of these glorious streaks throughout the season.

The Real Woody Williams

Another game and another weak outing from hometown hero, Woody Williams. This guy used to slay us when he pitched in the House that Ken Lay Built but where has all that grit and determination gone? I mean, we're at the point in the season where fans are asking Wandy (WANDY!) to be moved up in the rotation. That's scary, folks.
I think I figured out the problem. You see, Woody Williams is a descendant of the Firey clan (which you can see pictured). They are used to throwing their limbs and heads around while singing Bowie kiddy tunes and tormenting Jennifer Connelly. They are not used to being able to have command of their 4 seamer or having bite to the breaking pitches. This lineage haunts Mr. Williams and it's starting to creep to the surface and consume him entirely. Woody, bud, please suppress this heritage and get some extra bullpen sessions end before taking the mound again, okay?

The Fat Elvis Social Lounge Guide to Proper Ballpark Etiqutte

I love baseball and going to the games, but lately I’ve been noticing so much rubbish at the ballpark that I just can’t take it anymore. Seeing a game as it’s played in the park should be an incredibly enjoyable experience just like a rock ‘n’ roll show. But, like those glorious events, a few assholes always seem to arrive and screw things up. If you don’t wanna be part of the growing problem then please follow these simple rules the next time you venture out to see your local ball club play nine innings.

STOP DOING THE WAVE – This was supposed to be a fad in the 70’s but has miraculously managed to carry its way into the new millennium. Look, I don’t go to games to be seen. I go to watch the game, man. So stop trying to get sections of the crowd to all stand up at once just for the overwhelming thrill of seeing a domino effect across the stadium. I always object to this practice and when the offenders are in my section and are obscuring my view of the play (usually in the late innings of a one run game) I start shouting obscenities and telling the retards to sit the hell down. I’m sorry you’re bored with the game but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are. Sit the hell down and by the way, it’s still too soon after the recent Asian tsunami tragedy to do the wave and not be in obvious poor taste. And while we’re on the subject of absolutely retarded cheers…knock off the “OLE! OLE! OLE! OLE!” garbage. This ain’t a soccer game or Flogging Molly show, dickhead.

CONTROL YOUR KIDS - The last time I went to Minute Maid Park with Black Nathan, we were mere rows ahead of a little bastard constantly yelling for someone to give him a baseball and screaming like a goddamned banshee. Okay, mom and dad, before you take little Johnny or Susie to the game think twice before indulging them with two bags of cotton candy, six jumbo sodas and a few ice cream sundaes. I wanna hear the hecklers, crack of the bat and cheers/boos not your heathen offspring. And do not give me judgmental scorn when you hear expletives flying out of my mouth around your precious little angels. You’re watching a game where the players routinely adjust their crotches, spit, curse and occasionally brawl. Besides, a few curse words never hurt anyone’s adolescent development.

DRESS ACCORDINGLY – Look, if you’re there rooting for the away team I totally understand you sporting their gear. I hate you for it, but it makes sense. That’s your team and you wanna show support. Cool. But, why the hell are you wearing American League team apparel to an N.L. game? I love the Red Sox but you don’t see me rocking my Papelbon shirt at an Astros game. You’re a Cubs fan? First, I feel sorry for you and second, if they aren’t playing then leave the cap at home, bro. Oh, and if you’re one of the guys who roots for division rivals and wears both teams logos (Astros/Cardinals for example) you’re an idiot and need to make up your mind. You don’t see that happen at Fenway, Wrigley or any of the real baseball towns. And ladies, please stop dressing like hookers. Does it really make sense to sport a mini skirt that stops at your labia, six-inch stiletto heels and a tube top that can’t contain your jugs at a baseball game? It’s not like you dolts are out trolling for a date…you’ve got a dude there with you sporting tribal tattoos and Dockers. Is the self-esteem boost you get from fat, drunken slobs drooling over your silicone ass really that important?

SCREW YOUR CAMERA – Unless you have a NASA powered zoom lens or are sitting mere inches away from the dugouts your pictures are going to come out looking lousy. And if you just have to take a snapshot of you and your buddies blitzed out of their heads at the ballpark don’t move into the middle of the aisle during game play to capture that memento. In fact, just leave your cameras behind. Go down to the lower concourse and get a FREE, pseudo-professional photo to take back home with you. Even the organization knows how much of an annoyance this shit is and has come up with a pretty sweet solution to end the problem. Get with it.

CELL PHONES AND THE PRIMO SEATS – So, this one comes watching the games on T.V. and happens just about everywhere. Right behind home plate and the protective netting are some of the sweetest seats a baseball fan can score. In Houston, they’re called the Diamond Club seats. I was lucky enough to catch the previous College Baseball Classic from there and they provide an amazing view to the game. Unfortunately, most of the people who sit there around various local celebrities and team staff spend games chatting on their cell phones and waving to the cameras. You are total prats. The loyal and die hard fans for the team that are at almost every game in the nose bleed section would sell their first born for a crack at those tickets. They would savor every second of being able to observe the pitcher’s mechanics, the defensive shifts, catcher moves and seeing the ball leap off the wood of the bat. They would not be talking to their yuppie friends constantly saying, “Can you see me in the shot?” with a mongoloid grin on their faces. Next time you come into possession of those coveted tickets offer them to someone sitting next to Mars, watch the game from their usual vantage point and hopefully you’ll understand the great privilege you somehow continually acquire.

RALLY CAPS – If you really must relive this little league tradition because you think that turning your hat inside out will magically appease the baseball gods so that they will bless the maple of the 8 spot hitter then remember to turn that shit back to its proper form when the opposition is batting. What, you want those guys to rally too?

IF YOU’RE GOING TO HECKLE, DO IT WELL
Hecklers are one of the things that make going to the ballpark so much fun. They can cheer you up when the team looks crummy and it’s just one of those things that sets baseball apart from other sports. However, randomly shouting, “You suck” is just lame. First of all, you need to qualify that statement. How does the player suck? What is it EXACTLY that makes him the target of your rage? Those are things you need to think about before you go off shouting at the right fielder. Oh, and please don’t say “You play right field cause you suck” and then cheer on Luke Scott when he trots out there next inning. Does he play right field cause he sucks too?

Shell Shocked

Okay, so my first post was going to be about Jackie Robinson, the Astros offseason moves, and beginning of the season. Instead i am going to have a little rant about the saga of the hat I ordered from Astros.com the other day.



First of all, those that know me already know this, but for the benefit of those that don't, I have the head the size of a small planet, so it is near to impossible for me to just walk into a store and find a hat that fits. The rise of hip hop fashion has helped with finding bigger sizes, but only can I occasionally find one in a design I like. Moon men with gold chains and a boombox with an Astros flag may appeal to some, but I must say I am not one of them. Now, I own Astros hats, but they are all of the old school logos, artsy non official type. I haven't owned an official on field Astros hat since I was a small boy with a head only the size of a small moon rockin' in the Astros Buddies Club. So, I decided time to get another one. After trolling through various online retailers, with results that were less then noteworthy, as a last resort I went to Astros.com, whose online shop I always thought was mediocre at best. Well, for once they had something. Official black Astros hat with a patch from those glorious four games we lost to that dastardly team from South Chicago that is, by the way, still the only team to fix a World Series, bastards. Oh and it fit. So, after a few clicks, mine.



So, ordered it and paid the extra 1.50 for 2 day shipping. Well, as it turns out, the day it is supposed to arrive, my colleague, Jay Debauchery, invited me to go to the 'Stros game. Checking the online tracking, I see that my hat has been with the delivery driver(DHL, who uses them anymore?) since 9:15 a.m. so I am excited thinking "new hat for the game" Well, after taking my new cat to the vet, I am merrily stuck in traffic because some dump truck driver took a turn about 500 miles to fast, but thinking about the package that shouold be waiting for me when I get home. So After an hour in traffic, I pull up to my house, and NO package. Okay, I am checking the clock, and I have enough time to go outside and smoke while staring at the corner, watching for the delivery truck, before I have to leave to make it to the game on time. Said smoke comes and goes, no truck. Now I am pissed off and upset, having my hopes crushed like a Brad Lidge slider, and leave for the game.



About to get on the freeway, I check the Shell gas station right on the corner by my house. I know from waiting in line for smokes there, that DHL has a company account there, the drivers are always buying gas and girl fight dvd's there. As I look over, nothing, so I am about to get on the freeway, when my woman tells me to just go back around to the house one more time. I obviously oblige, but still no package. At this point I am raving about how it said it would be delivered today and it has been with the no good so and so since 9 am and WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY HAT, ALL I WANTED WAS TO WEAR IT TO THE GAME!!! It gets better, this time as I drive by the Shell, there is not one, not two, but THREE DHL delivery vans there gassing up. I now have no more time to wait because of trying to get to the game, meanwhile, the woman turns to me and says, "What do you want to bet your hat is in one of those vans." AAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!! At this point I wish I had time to go interrogate the drivers and find out who had my hat and what the hell had taken them so long. Alas, had to go to the game, which the Astros won, nice, and forget about my hat for the moment.



Needing to finish this up, hat still wasn't there when I came home, I was pissed. Went to work the next day, came home, hat was there, with the new soccerjersey I ordered from Ebay, so life was good.



Some quick points before I go-



What can I say about Jackie Robinson that hasn't been said. The man is a hero, and I don't use that word lightly.

Carlos Lee looks worth every penny we paid, but he will always be the new Tony Eusebio to me, and that is a compliment of the highest order.

Wandy looks like his control is alot better but it will always take alot of run support to win when he is pitching.

I love Vince Young, he is exciting to watch and seems a good guy, but if the Madden jinx hits him, I hope it will finally shut up everyone who still won't let go of the fact we didn't draft him.

I despise the Cardinals, that sign guy fan of theirs they always show on tv, ya know, with the signs like "this spot for renteria", and I hate Joe Buck.

The Rockets have got me excited and more people need to be fans of the NBA.

I love the Dynamo and more people need to get out and watch their games.

This is the Sabres year to win the Cup!

-Sneaky Pete

April 15, 1947

42. We all know who wore the number. We all know what he endured. We know the greatness he achieved. But this rant is not about how great he was it’s about what he meant to this country. When he integrated baseball on April 15, 1947 he began a process of making two separate groups one. I know we have far to go but it was the next year Truman integrated the military. This simple act of a black player setting foot in a game which he was once not permitted any minorities besides ones who worked the ground or sold concessions, set in motion the civil rights movement. One has to wonder whether if there even would be a move towards integration, but more of a stronger push for separation between blacks and whites in America. The idea of integration is very difficult concept for the majority of the world’s countries. Really the only other major instances of them are South Africa (who have sustained heavy criticism for their recent policies) and to a lesser extent Australia. My question is where are the Jackie Robinsons for the countries like Rwanda or the Israel and Palestine or Iraq. Our unique situation was brought on in the worst way possible but because of true visionaries like Jackie Robinson, Branch Rickey, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. we gained a beautiful journey to amalgam. To truly understand what this Melting Pot has done, one has to recognize the failures of unification; even Gandhi failed. The President of South Africa Thabo Mbeki who as helped to stop conflicts across Africa though he has gotten substantial bashing for his ineffective diplomacy with Zimbabwe. So today or when you read this remember the part that 42 played in America and how difficult it was just how rare it is.